The Squandering

 

The dimming light of fallen grace

that squints past the years like

mercurial atoms darting away from the

chaos it defends, mortal foliage strips aside

this squalid year in gracious splendor, sovereignty 

sways the cocoon, tucked in tightly woven silk, 

justified in glorious quiescence, soon to spring from

an abode with more evolutionary cognizance than

any primitive being could imagine, yet

will never embrace the Monarch that borne the fragile

nativity, alone and deserted, lifts to the sunlight, wings

frail as rice paper, aloft to the clouds, and such an odd 

muse, fluttering from flower to flower like some silent

symphony swaying, this pilgrimage of survival that 

nature provides dominates this ethereal doting insect, 

majestic yet this condescension into condemnation 

merely represents the brevity of how short nature 

proselytes everything into noble acuity

and fateful vacuity. 

Death’s Clarion

 

Lady of Death, the scowl of the night-
Leadth thee to barbed spite upon thy twain, 
How ye purloin thoughts 
of trite liaisons-
Maybe ye could loveth more 
if ye could speak in poetic tongue-
Woe, your spirit is broken and 
heart asunder, your dead rose
will never grow beneath frozen
snow, warm breaths, and soft 
whispers, will melt away more 
than the gods of love. 

Gilded Guilt(page-18)

 

     Robbie never picked up a gun to kill another animal for the rest of his life, he was a loner, he just loved being alone, and if he wanted love he’d go get it and leave it. Robbie hated this world of Capitalism, the elites have destroyed every Democracy, they want to run amok without paying a cent and it's shifted to Fascism. America was dying, and he knew this years ago. 

     Robbie traveled a few more years, he rarely stayed at any job very long, he loved his freedom more than anything. His family was always there in that city of sighs, he only visited his family around Christmas and even that was unbearable. Robbie kept his distance from his family, they broke his trust years ago and he never forgave them for his guilt, their love of money was superior to anything or anyone. 

     In the last chapter of Robbie’s life, he bought a Pug, that dog brought him all the joy that Tara once did, he loved his dog, he'd always figured he would die before the dog because men in Kentucky die from cancer at an alarming rate, and no one cares. Robbie lives alone and he's happy, his dog has replaced his sorrow, life wasn't fair, brutal if not apocalyptic, but Robbie still holds on to his resentment with watchful eyes. Life is living, and death is not.

                                                                   THE END 

Gilded Guilt(page-17)

 

                                                    Chapter 6

                                                   No Quarter 

     Robbie moved all over the country, Ohio was his first venture, then to the sunny state of Florida, and ending up in the cornbread state of Tennessee, he tried everything in his arsenal yet, a Jack of all trades laboring by the sweat of his brow will never become a king with a kingdom. He loved the new adventures, traveling is a young man’s sport, and he squandered every dollar he earned either on horses or strip clubs. Robbie grew up quick, he was his own man, every dollar that passed through his hands was earned by hard work, he rarely spoke to his family, they all had their lives making children and trying to become modeled citizens. He still resented everyone in his family, they all pretend they're happily married, and more importantly, people saw them as idealistic members of society, but Robbie saw through their pale ruse. Robbie never feigned his poverty, he just accepted it, though he did find an older lady who loved him and he married her for a few years though the marriage soon ended when Robbie entered college to better himself, he was tired of laborious, wrangling, and strangling of his impoverished status, driving second-handed cars, living in run-down apartments, and trying to live paycheck to paycheck was just too much for him to bear alone much less with a wife. The divorce set him back $1,500 and he never contested anything, he gave her the $10,000 cherry-wood bedroom set, and the jalopy he called old green, she took her time signing it, but after 6 months she yielded, and Robbie was a free man, and he never married again.

     Robbie moved back to his hometown, found his old buddies, and started to run around the same old stomping grounds, carousing with young girls was easy and fun, especially when you're educated and very witty. Women loved Robbie and he loved them back. Oh, he fell in love many times but bowed out of marriage when things got sticky.  

Gilded Guilt(page-16)

 

     Robbie sobered up come springtime, and finally came to the conclusion he is no longer a part of this family, he left this hellhole and Robbie never said one goodbye, he loaded up what rags he had and threw them in his backpack, he looked back at this house of two gables and smiled, he finally figured out what kept him captive, and that was his beloved dog. 

     Robbie never made any peace with his four sisters, they were no longer in his picture, he lost touch with his mother too, who died 11 years later from cancer, he felt no semblance of love for any of them. When his mother took her last dying breath, even then his greedy, conniving, and oppressive sisters took control, his younger sister saw herself fit as acting general and lawyer, she doled or cherry-picked out the best furniture and grabbed her mom’s washer and dryer first, Robbie ended up with two holy pictures which he now despises, Robbie knows the shell game of religion well, the gambit of hustling fools and selling them something they could have or attain for themselves for free, and that's salvation. He laughs still because any fool who believes a virgin in those ancient times was available for the premise of being the catalyst of producing a Savoir for the world is an astronomical and behemoth fairytale, even modern Jews find it appallingly amusing. 

     Robbie grabbed his pittance of inheritance and walked out of their lives forever, he felt in his righteous mind he's more of a dignified human being than any of those phony cupboard pious nom de guerre unhinged hacks he called sisters. From then on, he was exiled from his family.

                                                                     16

Gilded Guilt(page-15)

 

     Robbie walked down the death-row beaten path, his mouth was dry and his throat was very clumped with guilt and unforgettable grief, he never murdered any pet on purpose or by accident, he has shot and killed rabbits, squirrels, and deer with no remorse whatsoever, so, why couldn't he pull the trigger and appease his wretched mother? Nightfall would only be an hour away, he looked up the narrow pathway and watched his mom talk to the neighbor with such unconcerned attachment that was at hand by her command, he paused and pondered, how could someone who calls themself a Christian and kill without any remorse or shame struck a thunderbolt of worry with Robbie, but he needed to act because the dog was struggling with her litter and night time was cresting, he put the shell in the gun and said a prayer to God, for forgiveness, and knowing this was an abominable act that no living human being should ever have to do, this was beyond reprehensible, beyond evil, and beyond atrocious, he aimed it at her a tiny and precious skull as she looked up at him and smiled, Robbie was now crying like a baby, as tears were filled with salt as they fell into his mouth, he pulled the trigger, she yelped quickly, then she was silent, Robbie first prayed she didn't suffer, he walked back up the pathway, and looked aggressively at his mother and said, “ are you happy, now?”  She was stone silent, and the neighbor put two and two together and immediately figured out what took place, and said her peace to his mother and jumped in her car and drove off rather quickly.

     Robbie murdered several that day, he guessed she was going to have 8 pups, so, he said he murdered 9 dogs that evening. He never slept that night, he was so upset, he never went to work the following morning. This guilt-laden and muderous deed disturbed Robbie, so much, he just stayed drunk, smoked a few joints, and partied every night with reckless abandon. Time to stand up and face his punishment with his conscience, even though he was coerced into the killing. He lost two Beagles less than a year, and one was his best friend. 

                                                            .          15

Gilded Guilt(page-14)

     Robbie’s mom was enraged and to the point she meant business, Robbie never saw her this mad in his 23 years on this earth, she then said, “Get the shotgun and kill that mutt!” She was hysterical in her fit of madness, saying too, “pack your bags, Buster, you're leaving tonight!” Robbie knew today she meant every word, so, tearfully he went inside and walked down to the basement and grabbed his dad’s old shotgun, which was a single-shot 12-gauge, that the gunstock was cracked so the black electrical tape held it together and secure. 

     Robbie walked up the staircase, and walked through the living room where one of his sister's was reading a book on the sofa, he didn't even glance over to acknowledge her because he was so distressed and crying, and he opened the front door and his mom was right there like some Nazi Reichsleiter giving out orders to kill without regard to any life. Then a neighbor pulled up in a car, and Robbie thought, ‘Oh, a reprieve,’ but his mother quickly pointed to the dog and without even considering her motive while the neighbor was now outside beside her sparking up a conversation, but his mother yelled out, “go kill that old mutt.” Robbie still remembered those words as clear as the day his mother uttered them, and this painful engram.    

     Robbie walked down by the old elm tree where the beagle was having her pups, one was already hanging out from the womb, and he gently grabbed her and her placenta and picked her up. Robbie had his shotgun in one hand and the beagle in the other. He started to cry, he knew his job, it was to assassinate an innocent dog, who in return showered nothing but requital love. The golden hour was at hand and the sun was setting in an orange hue that was so beautiful, yet, so tragic too. 

                                                                   14

Gilded Guilt(page-13)

     Robbie cared for the wayward beagle, she was docile and very pregnant. Robbie’s mom came home in the afternoon and spotted the newest arrival, and she was so intolerant of any animal much less a pet, she told Robbie to get rid of that mutt. Robbie just ignored her and kept the poor dog around and continued to feed her, though his mom wasn't very amused to see he didn't get rid of her, she scolded him and gave him an ultimatum, “either the dog goes or you go!” Robbie took her deep into the woods and ran back home, the dog couldn't climb cliffs, so Robbie thought she would go somewhere else, and not come back but the next day, there she was again, he couldn't believe his eyes. 

     The dog wasn't stupid and yet all she was doing was finding a decent loving family to raise her pups as any loving mother would want. October came with a chill and the beagle was fixing to have her litter of pups. She really took up to Robbie, who loved her back, but the dire consequences that were at hand and she was nearly the end of her pregnancy but what about his malignant mother he thought, how could he sway her to reason? 

     Robbie came in from work, beaten down by stress, he didn't want to hurt the beagle, but, winter was approaching in Kentucky and Kentucky winters are long, gloomy, and cold. He simply had nowhere to go, he had to oblige to his mother's rules. But, the Beagle started to drop her pups, and what miserable timing, his mother pulls up and she gets out of her car and immediately starts pointing her finger at Robbie and saying, “ you pack your bags tonight and find another place to live, this instant, I told you a thousand times to get rid that dog!” 

                                                                 13

Gilded Guilt(page-12)

                                                             Chapter 5 

                                                            Guilt-Ridden                                                            

     Robbie was a mess, his hatred toward his sisters now evolved to a point he just quit pretending they were even family, they were far more sinister than he could ever imagine. They destroyed and killed everything he loved: his little adorable goat and his beloved dog. He moped around the house and secluded himself to the basement, his living Hell. Robbie became aloof from his family, he rarely talked to anyone especially his ego-driven sisters. He drank every night to kill his pain. How could someone in spite destroy some person's life by slaughtering his beloved pet? This haunted Robbie to no end.

     A chilly morning in early September near Robbie’s birthday, a little female Beagle showed up at his door as he was walking out the door while headed to work. Robbie first checked to see if she had a collar on, but she didn't, but he noticed she was pregnant. So, he knew she wandered far from her home and was probably hungry, so, Robbie went inside his home and grabbed a piece of leftover ham from the refrigerator. He stepped outside and laid the ham on the sidewalk and the female Beagle immediately ate it up with two bites, but Robbie was running late for work, so, he rubbed her head and got into his car, and drove off to work. 

     Robbie came home around 6 and was worn out, he worked two hours of overtime but never received any extra earnings for it, just an extra ten bucks, but he noticed on the front porch the fat female Beagle was still here, and he thought, Lord, his mom won't approve of another yelping dog, especially another Beagle, so, Robbie tried to gently shoo her away, but she never moved, she read right through his gentle and weak soul. 

                                                                          12 

Gilded Guilt(page-11)

 

                                                                  Chapter  4 

                                                                 Tara’s Death 

     Robbie sulked in worry for three days and nights until his sister said her boyfriend thought he saw her dead on the Bluegrass Parkway but Tara never went near that busy Highway, so, Robbie ran up the steep hill jumped the fence then walked down the inclining hill, and traffic was heavy and hectic, he glanced over and saw her and there she was, his loving Angel, his sweetie, and his everything lying dead in the middle of the road, Robbie immediately started to cry that turned into bawling unstoppable tears, it took everything he had to grab her by her tail because her body was mangled and hit by passing semi-trucks and automobiles, he had to act fast because oncoming traffic was fierce, he dragged her to the ditch and left her there, he couldn't even stomach the courage to bury her, just left her ghost there for eternity. 

     He ran down the hill, and his sister was outside, who immediately asked if it was her, and Robbie was so unstable and shook up with tears, he couldn't even answer her in his voice but managed to get out, “yes, it's her,” then ran for cover in the basement where his refuge of misery and pain became more than he could bear, he went out that night and every night from whenceforth, and drank until he couldn't feel the pain, he hated to come home to that empty basement and the deathly silence of her not being there was more than he could endure, he cursed God, then laughed at this God, realized this God wasn't even there. Then he turned on his family, his sisters killed every living creature he loved, they were and continue to live in their vanity bubbled worlds, their hate for animals especially ones attached to someone dear meant and means nothing to any one of them, their greed for money and to become someone they'll never be meant more to them than their own blood family, their egotistical worlds were delusional cloud castles, they call themselves Christians who never read one page of their drill book of parables, psalms, and gospels. That day he cut all ties with them and their phony worlds. 

                                                                      11

Gilded Guilt(page-10)

     Robbie loved Tara and his family saw he took care of her very well. Robbie’s mom though seems to think all animals were subhuman and in her squinted prejudiced eyes animals had no souls and no worth in this life and world, Robbie was never embattled with her fixation on God or her ideology, he simply kept quiet since he lived under her roof. He often looked into Tara’s gentle eyes who in return looked back at him, saying, “I know you have a soul, and it's far warmer than any human being.”

     The summer of 1983 was so hot, droughts were across the country, work was steady and the heat was almost tropical, Robbie always brought home a full paycheck and was happy and saving his money. One Friday in late July, he had plans to drink with some friends, he kissed Tara and placed her on his sleeping pad that he and she shared every night, and he told his sisters not to let her out, she's in heat, they nodded their heads as he dashed out the door. 

     Robbie rolled in around two o'clock in the morning, and he walked down the stairs to meet his best friend and he noticed Tara wasn't on his sleeping pad, he was in the full throes of a panic attack now, he hollered out her name that woke the rest of the family, finally, one of his sisters awoke and said she let her out but forgot to let her back in, so, Robbie went outside and screamed for her for an hour, he stayed on the front porch until 4:00 A.M. He thought the worst and started to cry, was too tired so he went back to the basement but he only slept until 7:00 A.M. He immediately got up and started to search for her, he first traveled in his car up and down their narrow lane to see if she was hit and was laying in the road but no animal was found not even a young rabbit. 

                                                                         10

Gilded Guilt(page-9)

 

     Tara limped around the basement for two weeks, again, she made a full recovery, but she saw the benefits of feigning her injury further down the road, she healed and now her injury was more psychosomatic than anything, but she saw the advantage of acting it out because Tara loved to be pampered, spoiled, and loved. She was a smart creature but not smart enough to stay off the road and away from traffic, and this concerned Robbie. 

     Robbie also was concerned that his sisters for whom years before Tara were so despondent and aided in the killing of his prized and loving baby goat while he was away working in the eastern Kentucky mountains on bridges, the goat’s name was Flip,  and if Flip was entangled or thirsty, he'd bellow out all night like a baby lamb, you could hear him from inside the house too, and for five days these pathetic sisters couldn't untangle his little loving goat and see he had water that he drank from a 5-gallon bucket that just took a minute out of their day, one minute, and when Robbie came home from the mountains he found his goat strangled to death, stiff, dead and his eyes were opened, he wanted to live, he was a great baby goat, but Robbie’s sisters never even bothered to free the rope from his tiny neck, nor bothered to water him after Robbie paid them each in cash to water and untangle him every day, they were so wrapped up in their own egotistical worlds they simply only cared for themselves, and they still call themselves Christians, they're all hypocritical pagans, Robbie from then on and still has no use for any of them, they could all rot in Hell, he couldn't care any less. He can still envision Flip’s cry for help all through the night, which never came. 

    Robbie was worried that in spite they'd let Tara outside when he was away partying on the weekends, he didn't trust any of his sisters, they were evil in every sense and pretense of the word. They only looked out for themselves, they were all petty, greedy, and ignorant, he just had no use for any of them, they had disregard for any life but their own. They were all avarice, ambitious, and sought one thing, and that was to be somebody they'll never be in a billion years. Robbie soon would sever all ties with them all, forever, one day, very soon. 

                                                                           9 

Gilded Guilt(page-8)

     Robbie’s mom was a devout Catholic but her hypocrisy was always exposed and her pendulum advantage as she was his mother and that overruled everything. She hated animals especially pets, more decisive, Tara, and this hurt Robbie, she simply thought dogs were soulless creatures who had no place in any house. Robbie would always say, “Who made all things on earth?” But, trying to reach or iron over any point with her was a futile disappointment. Robbie thought how can she call herself a Christian? That was absolutely absurdity. 

     Springtime came, finally, and Kentucky Spring was majestic, songbirds pleaded with their mates in the full exhibition, like watching aerial dogfighting amongst the tiny chirping birds who finally submitted to their loves, snapping turtles often crossed roads and Robbie would grab the huge ones and would eat them, quite a delicacy in Kentucky and the South. And Robbie often found some lovely gal to justify his needs too, but he never fell in love with any of them. Winters were long in Kentucky and this is why animals and humans rejoice in the Spring and warming sunshine. 

     Robbie was back to work on a full schedule, he now, was carrying over 20,000 bricks and moving 5 tons of sand and mortar every week on average. This job drained him physically and mentally, and 40 hours a week for $200 just wasn't cutting it. On a Friday, he got paid and was planning on a night on the town, but he came home to see Tara’s back leg was broken, she came to him limping bad and he carried her to the basement, he lightly scolded her because she knew to stay off the road, but his concern now was to nurse her back to health. 

                                                                          8

Gilded Guilt(page-7)

 

                              Chapter 3 

                                                  Tara's Hit By Another Car

     Robbie settled in one night away from the bar scene, his money was low and tight, inclement weather kept him home, you can't lay brick in subzero weather, so, he stayed in the basement and watched some late movie with Tara, he felt life was at standstill, no great jobs were worth working at, hourly wages in Kentucky meant you were nearly in the soup lines, stagnant as flies on flypaper, he hated his life, and college meant more bills, at least his car was paid for and he pulled his weight around the house, he mowed the two acres with a push mower in the summers and the winters kept the woodstove fed and stoked. His sisters only cared for themselves, and they did nothing to support their widowed mother with an exception of tidying up the kitchen and doing their laundry, and waiting for their boyfriends to pick them up at the front door. 

     The bad weather came in spells during the long Kentucky winters, when you work outside you adjust to the unforgiving weather and the despair of the short working hours in a short week, two days or if you're lucky three days was the max you could garner in a good week, but you were grateful for the money, carrying mortar in two buckets because a wheelbarrow was impossible to push in four inches of mud and snow, this was slave work, a backbreaking job, and when you came home from sludging in mud all day you had no time for nagging sisters for pettiness and nitpicking. They often teamed up and conspired against him, and they had a three-to-one advantage-would've been four-to-one but his oldest sister was married young due to pregnancy with her boyfriend-when they brought their paltry charges to their poor acting judge and advocate mother who always without evidence sided with them, every winter this repeated, they simply hated their brother, who kept to himself with his loving dog. He endured a lot of misery from his own family. 

                                                                         7

Gilded Guilt(page-6)

      The crowd huddled around as the Fort Knox soldier and the knife-wielding fat guy who really had no business of even being there, whose reputation preceded him, he cut more and hurt more innocent people than Jim Bowie himself, he always looked for trouble and often found it. First, they mouthed off to each other then the fat boy swung his knife to the soldier’s chest, cutting away his shirt then blood seeped through the slither of cut clothing, then the soldier hit him knocking him back but the fat boy swatted his knife three more times slicing flesh with each swing, yet, the soldier never backed up, he kept moving forward with punches, it was a flurry of hits and thumps that was heard across the parking lot, a reprieve came when the soldier’s girlfriend noticed blood was now gushing forward from his belly and chest, the soldier was drenched in blood, and the soldier let out some incoherent yell and took off a stone(rock) from the flower bed that was mortared down, this was a Herculean task, like prying Excalibur’s sword but his adrenaline was now at this Hulk infuriating level, he ripped it off and came after the fat boy, knocking him back, then the owner rushed outside with his bartenders and the fight was broken up before someone got killed, and the fat boy really had enough, he was gasping for his breath, he had enough it seemed but the soldier was now covered in a bath of blood, the Cabin Inn had an apartment beside it, Robbie knocked on the door and asked for a sheet while explaining the critical situation and she obliged, Robbie walked over slowly to the soldier and told him to wrap this sheet around himself, he was still high strung and an emotional wreck, but he reasoned and realized Robbie was trying to help him, Robbie helped wrap the sheet around him and told his girlfriend to follow him with their car to the hospital, because he needed immediate care, blood was now running through the sheet, they loaded up in her car and followed Robbie to the hospital, they got out at the hospital and Robbie gave her his phone number while nurses attended to the soldier. She thanked him, and Robbie told her to press charges. She said she would, and if she needed a witness to call him. Robbie shook her hand and told her good luck. 

     Two weeks later, Robbie gets a phone call from her, they needed a witness, Robbie then had a court date, thankfully though, on that very court date or day, the fat boy with the slinging knife settled out of court to pay for all the soldier’s medical bills, Robbie hated the court system and was grateful he didn't have to take the stand. It was over. 

                                                                          6

Gilded Guilt(page-5)

     Robbie’s mom was a staunch Catholic and she only read one lousy book in her entire life: The Holy Bible. She was a very strict mother with draconian means of getting her point across the bough, she believed a God controlled everything and everyone, though, this God never once answered her prayers of desperation as poverty ravished her family her entire life, where is her God, now? Robbie never forgave her for one incident that was many to follow;  he was an altar boy at a small parish called St. Thomas, a small simple-minded congregation of faithful believers, they lived exactly 3 miles away, a three-minute drive but she insisted he rush to her demands and pulled Robbie away from watching the University of Louisville playing in the Final Four where Louisville had the lead over UCLA with only seconds left and Terry Howard was at the free-throw line where he never missed a free-throw all year long, this game would've been over in less than a minute too, but his mom saw what this game meant to Robbie, she just yanked him away, it was 45 minutes away from mass service, with a 3-minute trip, he begged her to no avail, and the University of Louisville ended up losing to UCLA, Howard missed a free-throw, his first one all year that would have secured that game with only seconds left, Robbie sat in the sacristy of the church pondering if his beloved team would be playing in the very first NCAA Final, but enters his old coach John E. Cissell, laughing because he was our rival, University of Kentucky fan, and said, “Terry Howard missed the clinching free-throws!” Robbie’s heart dropped to the floor, and he immediately had pure contempt for his hateful mother for the rest of his life, her evilness cost them the win because Robbie brought U of L's team luck prior to every game he watched on television. 

     Robbie also had disdain for all his greedy sisters too, their henpecking and badgering of him grew to a boiling point many times, but he kept his composer always, he never struck any one of them but Robbie was a great boxer, he shadow-boxed, hit the speed bag, lifted weights, and ran 2 miles every day, he was 22 & 0 at the local cutthroat bar called the Cabin Inn which many called the “Stabbing Inn” because of the many stabbing and brutal fights that often occurred there. Robbie witnessed one fight there one night, where a Fort Knox Army soldier whom his friends say was a Golden Glove. But, one certain whiskey-drinking older man who had a reputation for cutting up people, started a fight with the Fort Knox soldier and it drew the entire audience outside.

                                                   5

                 

Gilded Guilt(page-4)

 

                                                        Chapter 2

                                                       Endearment 

     Tara was a handful and a clever hound but her mischief often led her to trouble, even though Beagle’s nature is to hunt and chase rabbits. She once brought down the road an alive baby rabbit and was so proud to show Robbie but immediately he told her to take it back to the warren and remarkably she swaggered her lithe body sashaying those hips like some prima donna back to the rabbit's nest that was right beside the road, she placed it gently back into the furry warm nest and then looked up at Robbie like she was a saint, then Robbie told her, “good girl.” 

     Winters were long in Kentucky and lonely, the cold, wintry, and gloomy days were an abject wasteland for Robbie, his imprisonment was that basement but he liked it that way, toiling on his speed bag, lifting weights from his new weight machine, and listening to albums on his new Bose stereo system, Robbie had great taste in music, albums weren't cheap either even back then but Robbie purchased one every week when he was paid, he still to this very day has the full 600 album collection. Tara loved his taste too often placing her head in his lap when he sat on their basement couch. Robbie had to split wood for the entire family, they had a wood stove in the basement and Robbie stoked it all night long, just another laborious job he never got any credit or recognition, his sisters often detested him, and he never understood why? 

     Robbie's mom stood firm with his sisters’ resentment too, Robbie was far more intelligent than they'll ever know because he thought they all were a bunch of do-gooders, nanny-pamby hypocrites, and controlled degenerates, he really had no use for any of them, in his book they were all Judas backstabbing Catholic whited sepulchers. Today, he rarely speaks to any of his sisters, for great reasons too, betrayal of family. 

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Gilded Guilt(page-3)

     Tara grew and fortunately for them she never required much maintenance from a Veterinarian but after her first year, she realized because she’s smart that Robbie loved her more than the rest of the family. She slept every night with Robbie in the basement and she always required a full rub down and several kisses before she nodded off and that little snore of hers was the sweetest thing on earth, Robbie got up and drifted out to work in the mornings, hard and laborious work of carrying brick and mortar, a back-breaking job, but it kept some measly money in his pocket but the money went fast, $200 wasn't much money to take home yet he had no due rent living with his widowed mother and the whole paycheck would be dispersed the following weekend to various bar hopping establishments from one end of the county to the other end. 

     One day when Robbie was away carrying mud and brick at work, Tara was run over by an automobile, Robbie came home and found her almost dead in his mother's flower bed, she looked up at him, and tears of pain were present in her eyes, he couldn't pick her up without her yelping in excruciating pain, so, she laid there for a week, and Robbie cooked her pork chops, and used an old syringe to throw liquids of water and milk down her fragile body, she ate very little, and this concerned Robbie very much, his poor baby in misery and writhing in pain. He felt helpless and completely alone, nights without her beside him and her snoring was deathly silent. Tara laid there for two weeks but one day, she got up, walked limply over to Robbie and kissed him, she then had a bowel movement, something she didn't have for ten days. The following days, she made a complete recovery and was the same loving sweetie Robbie loved, nights with his baby were more precious now than ever because both knew and realized life isn't forever. 

     Robbie’s mom wasn't an animal lover, she believed dogs and cats deserved to be outside, though she tolerated Tara because Tara always ran to the basement down the stairway and cried out for Robbie like she hasn't seen him in twenty years, she did this every day now, I guess she knew by now who loved her and stood by her in her darkest hours, animals aren't stupid. Tara was officially Robbie’s dog now, and no family member contested this, they simply had their own lives to be concerned with and not some spoilt dog. 

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Gilded Guilt(page-2)

      The length of youth was abruptly Shanghaied by becoming a man, you grew up very quickly on the poor side of consequence, you gather in less than you give out, time doesn’t fret over any inconvenience, it simply traipses on teenage years with impartial impunity. Robbie hunted various game animals that came in season over the long year in Kentucky: squirrels in late August, rabbits in November, and deer in December.  But, one day, his sister brought home the loveliest and the sweetest dog the world ever bequeathed, a dark-eyed, black-and-tanned, soulful, and inseparable Beagle named Tara. 

     At first, Tara was discombobulated with her new surroundings, she only took up with Robbie’s sister, the one that brought her home, she rarely yelped or whined and was housebroken rather easily. Beagles are smart and stubborn, Tara held anyone in contempt who didn't adore her and lavish her with kisses, and she loved being the center of attention. They often let Tara outside during the day because they all had jobs, she always stayed near the house, only ventured out when Robbie drifted out into the endless fields and woods near their residence. She stayed near Robbie and would chase rabbits when she sniffed one out and always brought the rabbit around to Robbie. She loved hunting with Robbie. 

     Tara was a breath of fresh air to this family, they just buried their dad the following year, and Tara simply replaced the quiet void that coexisted in the warmth of their memories, their dad was a recovering alcoholic but eventually committed suicide. They all wanted to move far away from this tragedy, Robbie kept his pain about his dad to himself, rarely brought it up to anyone, and if anyone ever asked, he told them he died from cirrhosis of the liver, to keep their dignity intact. This misery clung to Robbie for the remaining of his life, he often blamed and questioned himself if he did enough to intervene in saving his dad's life, but, his dad tried many times before to kill himself, once on Easter Sunday, he took a .22 rifle and shot himself, missed his heart by a 2/8 of an inch. This incident was covered up by their mother for years but knew, they all knew, just didn't share their tragic affair with anyone. Who boasts that their dad tried to kill himself? 

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Gilded Guilt(page -1)

 

                                                    “Souls are imaginary escape 

                                                     clauses for weak, controlling

                                                     and obeying fools, man’s no

                                                     more equipped for an afterlife 

                                                     than a meandering butterfly.”

                                                         Chapter 1

                                                    The New Arrival 

     The snowstorm dumped 17 inches on the Kentucky town where Robbie lived, every road was paralyzed with ten inches of ice and snow, and school would be canceled for a week. January meant imprisonment for a boy with an astounding imagination who had 6 squabbling and squealing siblings who invaded and exasperated his weary confinement of privacy. 

     Robbie would soon get his driver's license and bought his very first car with the earnings he saved over the years at various and odd jobs; putting up hay in 100 degrees of sweltering heat, barn housing tobacco, and pushing a 26-inch Briggs & Stratton lawnmower, and swinging a scythe because weedeaters weren't available back then at two different recreational places through a government program for low-income families, one was a Little League field with adjoining five acres of lawn, next was a softball field at the old Sportsman Club adjoined with 3 more acres of grass. This wasn't what a kid at 13 years old had in mind, to spend his summers working to pay for his clothes and shoes the following year at school, while his other classmates were enjoying their summers relaxing by a poolside or playing baseball in some summer league. This enduring resentment of class overwhelmed Robbie’s American dream. 

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