Hello Darkness

 

The preamble of death, the contingency of belief in

one God and the skepticism of misery one never existed.

Entering the Cancer Center for the first time and viewing 

the morbidity of the helpless patients who shuttle around

the waiting room like spooked, starved, and corralled livestock;

and coaxing my silopsisism from fear of imminent death only 

waterfalls this gripping demise. Where is hope? The oncologist says

Chemotherapy and Radiation is the only cure. The cure is death. 

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? My inferiority and

insecurity is dueling with the pain endurance and the surrender of death. 

Why would any divine creator design such fragile beings? How could anyone

adore and submit to this obedient obligation? I purge this thought in 

silence and withdraw all optimism of recovery. Once you see the sad

faces in this hellish Cancer Center then and only then will you feel 

the unending torment. They bake you outside with radiation and cook

you inside with chemotherapy-the double kill and the only winners 

and spoilers are the hospitals that empty the purses of the Insurance 

Companies. It's the crime of the century. Yet, when it's your turn, 

will you roll the dice, or commit to fate? 

I walk alone because I was born alone and will die alone. The 

dignity of my fight is with fear and the anguish of not breathing 

through these lungs again accosts me with uncertainty. Shall I let 

them destroy what little time I have left on this earth? The daily 

bounce from home to the hospital is worse than the cure if the Chemo

and Radiation doesn't kill you more than the wear and tear of traveling 

to the hospital for CT, MRI, and PET scans, and back home, the extortion

of life will. Cancer has consumed the life I once took for granted, now I'm 

ready to see if there's an afterlife. Hopelessly, helplessly, and dying.