Addressed to the two sweet gals who comforted me.
In my fight to live where I try to see the contrast of colors of life again now seems to change to black and white. Thank you for the warmth and solace, I'm a troubled soul, and this trial of misery is beyond me, I feel helpless and at mercy to a higher power. Please, don't leave me. Thank you both!
The preamble of death, the contingency of belief in
one God and the skepticism of misery one never existed.
Entering the Cancer Center for the first time and viewing
the morbidity of the helpless patients who shuttle around
the waiting room like spooked, starved, and corralled livestock;
and coaxing my silopsisism from fear of imminent death only
waterfalls this gripping demise. Where is hope? The oncologist says
Chemotherapy and Radiation is the only cure. The cure is death.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? My inferiority and
insecurity is dueling with the pain endurance and the surrender of death.
Why would any divine creator design such fragile beings? How could anyone
adore and submit to this obedient obligation? I purge this thought in
silence and withdraw all optimism of recovery. Once you see the sad
faces in this hellish Cancer Center then and only then will you feel
the unending torment. They bake you outside with radiation and cook
you inside with chemotherapy-the double kill and the only winners
and spoilers are the hospitals that empty the purses of the Insurance
Companies. It's the crime of the century. Yet, when it's your turn,
will you roll the dice, or commit to fate?
I walk alone because I was born alone and will die alone. The
dignity of my fight is with fear and the anguish of not breathing
through these lungs again accosts me with uncertainty. Shall I let
them destroy what little time I have left on this earth? The daily
bounce from home to the hospital is worse than the cure if the Chemo
and Radiation doesn't kill you more than the wear and tear of traveling
to the hospital for CT, MRI, and PET scans, and back home, the extortion
of life will. Cancer has consumed the life I once took for granted, now I'm
ready to see if there's an afterlife. Hopelessly, helplessly, and dying.
